My unexpected journey as a trailing spouse began in 2004 when, after much soul-searching, I decided to leave my beloved job at Emory University’s Goizueta Business School in order to follow my other beloved to another university, in another state, for his graduate studies.
I agonized over this decision.
My supportive boss and colleagues at Emory told me I would be crazy not to join my husband, given that we were newlyweds and his university had offered me an exciting position. Still, this relocation ranked only an 8/15 on the Gupte Scale; I can only imagine how much greater my hesitation would have been had I known that it would set me on a trajectory involving five cross-country moves and far more challenging career transitions! I now find myself working from home as an educational and career consultant, gazing out my window at the gray Chicago sky instead of strolling across a beautiful quad in the Atlanta sunshine.
A special time of year
As our Midwestern days get shorter and colder, I typically meet them with mixed emotions and fluctuating energy levels. November is always busy with my contract assignments, the kids’ activities, and preparations for hectic holiday travels to see our families — the closest option being a 5-hour drive across state lines. This also happens to be the month when my kids’ school hosts “Special Someone’s Day.”
Not to be confused with Valentine’s Day, this observance is an invitation for a family member to visit their student’s classroom, do a fun project together, and get into the holiday spirit by going through their wish lists at the Scholastic Book Fair. I’m sure it was once called something like Grandparent’s Day; in our affluent, multigenerational suburb on Chicago’s North Shore, most kids seem to have grandparents (if not also aunts, uncles, and cousins) dropping by their homes on a weekly basis, giving their parents “a break” while showering them with food, gifts, and love. But for my kids, I’m the rare mom filling that “Special” role, by default. All five of our relocations have taken us far beyond commuting distance from anyone else who could fit the description, and my husband’s job frequently takes him out of town.
As I look around the classrooms, I can’t help but feel a pang of guilt and longing, not only for myself, but on behalf of my children, too. Is it wrong that they don’t have a grandma or grandpa at Special Someone’s Day? Has our transient lifestyle robbed them of stronger bonds with their grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins? Should I have said “no” to our moves?
This year, for the first time, my third-grader announced, “Mom, why do you have to be our ‘Special Person?’ We already see you a lot and spend time with you every day!” Although I had been secretly feeling this way myself, I was taken aback that he had suddenly picked up on it. As a parent used to being put on the spot and thinking on my toes, and as a trailing spouse who has learned to handle more than my share of awkward conversations, I smoothly responded, “Well, aren’t you lucky to have me attend at all? Some kids might not have anyone in attendance.”
This must have been the right answer, or at least good enough, because there was no further discussion; my son seemed to accept and understand my response. Which got me thinking: My kids are lucky. Yes, it would be wonderful if we got to see Grandma and Grandpa each week, and it would enrich our lives to play with cousins and see aunts and uncles regularly. However, our multiple relocations have made us closer as a nuclear family and provided us with financial stability, travel opportunities, and wonderful lifelong friends in five different parts of the country!
Special friends in special places
When I look back and consider all the friends we’ve made along the way, I’m reminded of times we were warmly welcomed into their homes for holiday meals in Knoxville, Minneapolis, and Chicago. I can’t help but smile as I recall the frantic days I spent “staging” our Seattle townhouse for sale, when a friend offered to watch my toddler at the last minute while I raced to Home Depot to get plants to spruce up our front entrance — then even sent me home with paintings from her own walls to help the place look even more attractive to prospective buyers. I can’t help but feel immensely grateful as I remember the call I received from a close friend in Minnesota, expressing sincere condolences after the sudden death of our family’s dog. She understood my pain, having watched Brewster, my trusted companion, provide much-needed comfort and security for me and my young kids as we spent nearly five months in a corporate apartment in an unfamiliar city, while my husband’s job kept him out on the road.
By supporting five relocations over 15 years and being the primary caregiver for our children, I facilitated my husband’s steep career progression; in turn, I now get to work from home, a block from their school, doing what I had dreamed about in graduate school: counseling young professionals. For this, I also have to thank another special person: the successful entrepreneur and mother who hired me for her consultant roster without questioning my geographic moves — whether, as other prospective employers tend to ask, if I would be “here for good now?” — or all the small gaps in time on my resume due to my family’s relocations. She recognized my skills, education, and diversity of professional experiences — garnered in large part by having lived in so many different places.
All along the way, special people have stepped up in our times of need — as I navigated new motherhood, career transitions, family illnesses, and countless other life events from young adulthood to middle age. But perhaps most importantly, all these corporate moves have provided my children with the honor of having me, their mother, be their “Special Someone” all the time, without fail. This is a privilege we shouldn’t take for granted. While the years have played out differently than I had envisioned for myself when graduating top of my class in college and graduate school, my decision to embrace life as a trailing spouse has given my family all these benefits and more.
So, at Special Someone’s Day last week, I smiled at the grandmas next to me and told them how lucky their grandchildren were to have them in attendance. Then, I turned back around and smiled gratefully as the teacher snapped a picture of me and my son completing our Thanksgiving project. I may be a boring choice, but only because our family’s journey has been so interesting.
