Some people despise the term “trailing spouse.” But I think it’s perfect.
What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
The Cambridge Dictionary definition of a trailing spouse is “the husband or wife of an employee who is sent to work in another country.” For a more egalitarian view, Wikipedia describes it as “a person who follows his or her life partner to another city because of a work assignment. The term is often associated with people involved in an expatriate assignment but is also used by academia on domestic assignments.”
In my international circles, however, trailing spouses more commonly identify themselves as an “expat partner,” “expat wife” or “expat husband.”
Pros: Sounds official. The “partner” version is gender neutral and inclusive of the expat experiences of same-sex couples, unmarried couples and husbands relocating for their wives’ careers.
Cons: Excludes domestic moves (which, as I’ve noted elsewhere, can be just as challenging as international moves); excludes couples who intend to make their move permanent. And frankly? The word “expat” has some condescending, colonialist undertones. (Quick question: What’s the difference between an “expat” and a “migrant?”)
When I accompanied my fiancé (now husband) during his studies at Stanford University’s Graduate School of Business, which prides itself on providing a welcoming environment for couples and families, the preferred term was “S.O.” As in, significant other.
Pros: Gender neutral; inclusive of unmarried couples.
Cons: Jargony; doesn’t distinguish between local couples vs. those who have moved.
Do military families have a good term for an accompanying spouse? Growing up with a U.S. Army dad, I heard “military wives” and “dependents” bandied about; the latter also applied to us trailing kids, aka “military brats.” Not exactly empowering, and also overly generic in the sense that they get used regardless of relocation status.
So what’s the problem with the perfectly accurate (and SEO-friendly) term “trailing spouse?” Those who object generally argue that it connotes the image of someone — usually a woman — trailing behind. Following, rather than leading. Subservient.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Trailing Spouse can be — and should be — a badge of honor. You can hang on and fly high. Just look at this website’s logo — and think of the examples in your own life and throughout history.
Claim it. Own it. Wear it proudly.
We’re here to celebrate the grit and creativity of trailing spouses everywhere.
Relocations create opportunities for resilience and reinvention. Prince Albert of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha stabilized the British monarchy. Julia Child mastered the art of French cooking. After rocking out in China, Alan Paul introduced “Panda Dad” parenting to the masses. Michelle Obama became the world’s most admired woman.
Who else should we highlight in this community? Share their story — or your own — in the comments below, find us on Facebook or email us at hello@trailing-spouse.com.
