When I first heard the term “trailing spouse,” I had just moved to the United States. Being labeled took me by surprise, and I couldn’t help but cringe.
This wasn’t my family’s first move prompted by my husband’s marketing career — we had previously relocated from India to Malaysia and Singapore — or a new sense of struggle. With every move, I grappled with loneliness and a feeling of being uprooted, while managing my family’s transition, my career ambitions and my own emotional needs.
But going from Asia to North America was a more challenging culture shock.
I would rank our departure from Singapore to Wisconsin a 12/15 on the Gupte Scale (4 for timing, 3 for destination, 5 for resources), and our subsequent move to Seattle an 8/15 (2 for timing, 4 for destination, 2 for resources).
As part of this continental shift, I found myself making even more of an effort to get to know other women in similar situations. Out of this need for connection and community, We are Pistachio was born.
In the six months since launching this global community of relocating spouses, I have heard from so many women who previously felt isolated and can truly appreciate our messages of hope and encouragement.
More than ever, the COVID-19 situation has stressed the vital importance of community and connection. Our in-person career coaching offerings and member gatherings have pivoted to webinars and virtual meetups for the time being, but the coffee and conversation still flow freely. As we remain at home, we can also use this opportunity to reflect on and share where we’ve been and where we would like to go.
Life lessons learned
Looking back on my five-year journey as a trailing spouse, I can’t help but think of how much I’ve learned along the way. Across four relocations so far, four life lessons stand out:
Lesson 1: “Be here now.” As clichéd as it sounds, this has become my mantra. At one point, I even had this taped on my laptop to look at every day. For serial relocators who never know how long we may be staying in one place, it’s important to focus on the present — that where we are today, as a family, matters most. I think that is true about life, as well. Where you are today matters so much more than where we have been and where we want to be.
Lesson 2: “Get out of the box to think out of the box.” I first heard this quote in a TED Talk, and it really resonated with me. Spending the first three decades of my life in India had been comfortable, but it limited my worldview. Going beyond this geographic footprint enabled me to work with the United Nations High Commission for Refugees, inspired me to write a book, and led me to all kinds of other unexpected adventures that I would have never considered had I stayed home.
Lesson 3: “A rubber ball bounces back as hard as it is thrown.” Whenever I’ve faced obstacles, this quote by my father-in-law has always inspired me. Back in India, most kids would play with a small rubber ball. It was the size of a tennis ball, but bounced further and higher. The harder you threw it, the higher it rose. Failures are like that. The harder you fall, and life throws you down, the higher you can bounce. I remind myself of that on days when I face setbacks — I’m rising, not falling.
Lesson 4: “If it is to be, it is up to me.” In every place I’ve lived, I spent a lot of time and effort searching for like-minded women like me. One day, I realized that I could build this community myself, to ensure that no relocating spouse is ever alone. Now, through We are Pistachio, we can empower each other with opportunities to connect, learn and grow.
Through it all, I have earned a deep appreciation and respect for my journey so far. I can celebrate how much I’ve grown through my experiences — and I can proudly embrace terms like trailing spouse, relocating spouse, accompanying spouse, and expat partner.
I am all that, and together, we are much more.
For more information, visit http://wearepistachio.com.
