Editor’s Note: Gregory Buford, the author of a novel and two memoirs — including the recently released Kept: An American Househusband in Paris — answers stories from our readers as part of our Trailing-Spouse Book Club.
Q: How did you become a trailing spouse?
I blame my parents. Mom grew up in a tiny town in East Texas and went to Stephen F. Austin State University. The university wouldn’t let young women study accounting at that time, so she got a bachelor’s degree in music and a master’s in education. Then, wanting to get as far from East Texas as possible, she took a job with the Department of the Navy and wound up as an elementary school teacher on U.S. Naval Base Subic Bay in the Philippines. She traveled in Asia, and her fond memories of that time became the soundtrack of my childhood — always there in the background.
My father, for his part, encouraged me to participate in the local Lion’s Club Youth Exchange Program, which sent me to Belgium for a summer at the age of 17. I spent that summer with my host family’s 18-year-old tooling around Europe in an ancient Peugeot, trying to figure out which country had the best-looking girls. (Results were inconclusive, but we had a great deal of fun.)
So, it was no surprise to my parents when, upon graduation from university, I married my girlfriend, Dana — whom I met on a dare, but that’s another story — and took off to teach English in Japan for three years. Then we came home to Texas, went to grad school, bought a little yellow house, had a kid, got good jobs.
The future was so bright we had to wear shades — and I was bored out of my mind.
Dana reminded me that I had always wanted to be a diplomat. She encouraged me to stop whining about my corporate job and take the Foreign Service Officer Test, a requirement to join America’s diplomatic corps. Great! As a diplomat I would hobnob with foreign dignitaries, negotiate peace in the Middle East, and travel the world again, eating weird stuff like fugu and chicken 65.
Furthermore, the test should be a piece of cake. After all, I totally geeked out on foreign stuff. I’d interned in the Dominican Republic as a university student; I’d worked and lived in Japan; I’d attended America’s #1 international MBA school, where I became a teaching assistant in International Political Economy class. Look out world, here I come!
I encouraged Dana to take the Foreign Service Officer Test, too. “Nope, not interested,” she said. “And, besides, I’d never pass.” Finally, I convinced her she might as well take the exam with me “just to see what happens.” Well, what happened was that Dana passed with an almost perfect score, and I failed miserably. The experience was very humbling, and, before long, our son, Cole, and I were following Dana halfway around the world to Chennai, India, while she did my dream job. Little did I know that our move would change the trajectory of my life forever.
Q: How did you become an ‘American househusband,” aka stay-at-home dad overseas?
My employer, Dell, gave me a job in its new India office. We were making a ton of money, but I wasn’t happy. I was traveling a lot on business and didn’t like leaving my son in the hands of a nanny while I was away.
At the same time, Dana and I learned we wouldn’t be able to conceive a second child. When we adopted an Indian girl, I decided to leave the corporate world to take care of my two children full-time. I went to India a corporate warrior and ended up a stay-at-home dad, which turned out to be my true dream-job — one which I did for 11 years. I also wrote three books during those years. If I had stayed on the job, I likely would never have had the time, patience and book material to realize that childhood dream.
I spent the next decade trailing my spouse to Paris, Cambodia, Switzerland and having kid number three. (Dana was still fertile after all.)
Then, we went back to Texas and tried to be normal. We bought a home and settled down. Dana quickly got a job with the State of Texas; for me, re-entry was tough. An incredulous female interviewer actually asked me, “What were you really doing the last several years.” I’m not sure it’s gotten any easier for trailing husbands/stay-at-home dads. I know several, and they still get odd comments, questions and are even subject to suspicion.
Ultimately, I walked back into my old job at Dell, where I got to experience what women have had to deal with for only the last hundred thousand years or so: while I was gone, my peers had leapfrogged me on the career ladder. In the end, it didn’t matter; the cutthroat corporate world no longer appealed to me. I quit my old job and joined Capital Metro, Austin’s public transit authority, where work-life balance was really a thing.
But that’s not the end of the story. After a decade in Texas, Dana decided her life simply wouldn’t be complete until she joined the diplomatic corps again. (Irony is the principal theme of my existence.) It wasn’t easy. She had to re-apply, take the Foreign Service Officer Test again and start over at the very bottom despite her years of experience. Of course, she got the job; Dana simply doesn’t give up.
There you have it: just when I was finally hitting my stride at work after more than a decade in the wilderness, I dutifully packed my bags to follow Dana again. In a desperate attempt to sweeten the deal, she asked me to choose her country of assignment, and I picked the world’s wackiest totalitarian dictatorship: Turkmenistan. Although I miss my friends and family dearly — the kids are grown now — I chose Turkmenistan for the book material, and the country is delivering in spades!
Q: Using the Gupte Scale, how would you rank your moves?
- Chennai, India – Destination: 3; Resources: 4; Timing: 5; Total: 12/15
- Paris, France – Destination: 5; Resources: 3; Timing: 5; Total: 13/15
- Phnom Penh, Cambodia – Destination: 3; Resources: 4; Timing: 5; Total: 12/15
- Geneva, Switzerland – Destination: 5; Resources: 4; Timing: 5; Total: 14/15
- Ashgabat, Turkmenistan – Destination: 5; Resources: 2; Timing: 1; Total: 8/15
Our moves and Dana’s encouragement have pushed me to focus full-time on writing, and it’s working; I plan to publish my fourth book within a year. If you’d like to read my blog or learn more about me and my work, check out gregorybuford.com.
Q: Did you have to get permission from the U.S. State Department or anyone else to write about your experiences?
Nobody’s ever told me I need to get permission to write my books, and I’ve never asked. Dana loves my books and wants me to continue to write no matter what. When I’m dealing with a recollection that might embarrass or offend someone I know, I typically change enough minor details such that the person can’t be identified while still keeping enough of the story to make my point.
Q: How does your writing process work, especially writing about events that happened many years ago?
I always liked to write, but didn’t know what to write about until we wound up in India. I began writing email to friends and family about our adventures, and they insisted I write a book. Writing a book is a long, hard slog. Once I made writing a habit, I learned that I need to write. It got easier and even became therapeutic.
I didn’t plan to write another memoir after our time in India. But the book was so popular that I forged ahead with a memoir of our time in Paris. The problem was that I hadn’t taken detailed notes or sent email to friends about our time there. I had to reconstruct a lot. I sat down with family and friends and talked about our time there and our memories. Together, we pulled it off.
My novel Making Ghosts Dance is very different from my two humorous memoirs. Making Ghosts Dance seeks to shine a light on child and adult sex tourism in Cambodia. The book is fiction, but many of the situations contained therein are based upon actual events and circumstances.
Q: How did you publish your books?
After more than a decade of seeking a traditional publisher with zero success, I published my books on my own imprint through Kindle Direct Publishing.
Q: What’s next for you and your family?
Dana and I have a year and a half left in Turkmenistan, and we won’t know where we’re going next for several months. A lot will depend on our onward assignment. My oldest, Cole, is now Hollie and lives in Houston. She’s 26 and graduated from the University of Houston in August. My daughter Nina is 23 and works in marketing in Nashville, Tennessee. My youngest, Sam, is a senior at the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland.
This is the first time I’ve lived abroad without them, and I miss them very much.
Q: What lessons have you learned that you would like to share with others?
Be game.
