“I’ll take HAPPY ‘TRAIL’s for $1,000, Alex.”
[Alex Trebek’s dulcet tones read out the clue that appears on a glowing blue screen.] “Answer: This term describes someone who moves for a romantic partner’s career.”
[Me, buzzing in confidently and turning the game into a runaway in my favor.] “What is a Trailing Spouse?”
Whenever they hear my accent, people ask me where I’m from and what brought me to Seattle. When I respond, “Microsoft,” I must add that I followed my husband — only to be identified primarily as a “trailing spouse” and often resenting the rest of the conversation. All of us who have moved with our partners, prompted by their careers, still have our own lives and dreams, the right to pursue them wherever we are in the world, and the need for a loving community to help us find new roots.
Therefore, in the decade since moving to the United States as a newlywed, I’ve had mixed feelings about the term “trailing spouse” and its evocation of being always a step behind, or even worse, dragged along. Growing up, I was always the one who liked to walk first: in my family, among friends in school, among colleagues, when I first started working. I was never afraid to raise my hand and blaze a trail that others will follow.
True to form, when my fiancé received a job offer contingent on relocating to Seattle, I was the first to embrace the idea of leaving our hometown of Belgrade, Serbia. For me, the unknown journey before us was a path of reinvention. To Marko, however, it seemed like an exile. He was reluctant, he was devastated — but he accepted, trusting in my excitement about the imminent adventure and that we would take this journey together. Over the years, in fact, he would complain that I had dragged him away from home. In a dark corner of his heart, he felt as if he were the trailing spouse on my dream of bending, stretching, and erasing the world’s borders.
As a writer, I know well that every story can be written in many ways, through different eyes. While my husband’s American experience might have felt like an exile, the same years for me were a heroine’s quest, a journey of finding my true self.
What’s the secret to being a good trailing husband? Good question. What’s worked? What hasn’t? What’s been good, and what’s been rough?
I did a quick search for some statistics about the gender breakdown of trailing spouses today but wasn’t able to track down any solid numbers. What I can tell you is that the role has traditionally been held by women, and while the landscape has shifted in the past 30 years, there are still very few of us stay-at-home husbands out there in foreign lands. Going off a wholly unscientific count in my Delhi expat tour group, it feels like men account for around 5% of the trailing spouse population here. One of the drawbacks to this gender gap is that there aren’t a ton of resources to help men identify and prepare for the aspects of such an assignment that may be more specific to our circumstances.
For me, perhaps my greatest emotional challenge of this assignment has been being unable to work. In a nutshell, I had absolutely no idea how hard being unemployed was going to be for me. I don’t know anyone sitting at a desk job who doesn’t occasionally dream of chucking it all in and doing something entirely different. But I have also been surprised at just how much I miss my job, and how often I get that “itch.” I guess the grass is always greener, right? But I don’t think that’s the reason. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is that I miss, and why. Your mileage may vary, but these are some of the things I’ve identified.
It seems obvious, but liking your job is sort of a prerequisite for missing it. As an advertising guy, I spent my days surrounded by extremely clever and gregarious thinkers and doers, and that was something really exciting to look forward to every day. I got to a point where I was comfortable with the tools I had developed and passionate about the work I was producing; it is very cool to turn on the TV and see one of your commercials come on.
Just the other day I was checking out the new website of my former agency in Boulder, Colorado and loving everything I saw. And then I came across a section where they had a time-lapse of the office showing everyone scurrying around during a typical day. And I had some real, millennial-grade, FOMO. Thankfully, the scope of the video didn’t include a view of my old desk, because that probably would have rendered me inconsolable.
So, liking your job or your work can definitely make the transition to house-husbanding more challenging. But that can’t be everything. There are plenty of people who seem to constantly suffer spates of dead grandparents and plumbing leaks just to get days off from work, and I’m sure they’d find challenge in this transition as well.
Boredom is a real culprit. It’s definitely challenging to go from a fast-paced lifestyle and transition into a stay-at-home role, especially considering we don’t have kids. When we first got here, boredom wasn’t really an issue. For one, Delhi will keep you busy when you are just learning the ropes. It’s not a simple place to just wake up in and go about your day. But over time, you start to get your routine down — and the easier things get, the more time you have to not be challenged.
Fortunately, this one is pretty easily solved. When I first got here, I started exploring the city right off the bat and I started my blog. Those two things kept me captivated and motivated from the get-go. Getting involved in an expat tour group of Delhi’s historic sites helped, too.
My wife keeps telling me to quit worrying about the money. And, with the thinking part of my brain, I know she’s right. We didn’t take this assignment to focus on money. We did it to see the world, to learn another culture, and to see and discover things that we’d never have been able to otherwise. Our relocation rated a relatively high 12/15 on the Gupte Scale (Destination + Timing + Resources), with “Resources” as the perfect score among the three components.
What I am realizing, however, is that my feelings aren’t about whether we’re doing OK, money-wise. It’s about earning — and I am just not used to being dependent on someone else.
The fact is that my visa simply does not allow me to work or volunteer at all. It’s a very strange feeling. I desperately want to be able to contribute, to make a bit of pocket money, to be able to see a pair of shoes I want and feel like I can buy them. It’s not about the shoes, it’s about my change in status. And I know it’s silly because if I want to buy the shoes, I can just buy them. Or better yet, I can tell my wife, “Hey, I want to get those shoes,” and she will tell me to get the shoes. But because I am not earning money, I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve the shoes. And there it is. That’s the crux of this emotional difficulty. Deep down I know it’s a bunch of codswallop, but it’s a new experience and a new emotion for me.
But, you see, I do work. A lot, as it turns out. Running a house in India, raising a street pup, documenting our experiences, learning about our new home, managing staff, etc. — these things all take a lot of work. My wife has said several times that she would not have been able to manage all this by herself, and I believe her. I know that if the tables were turned, I wouldn’t be able to manage as a bachelor. A lot of the experience of a trailing husband is contributing to the home economics in a way that is very eye-opening for us guys.
I derive satisfaction from all of those things I am able to help out with. But I am also keenly aware that I lack the skills and experience to do any of those things very well. It turns out that I am much, much better at designing billboards than I am at maintaining a running inventory of the fridge. And not getting it right is frustrating. I think I do OK, and I think I am getting better, but I don’t own my “work” here in Delhi the same way I did as an advertising guy in Boulder.
That being said, I also want to talk about a lot of the good things about trailing husband life, too, because 95% of your experiences (based on an entirely unscientific poll I just made up) will be incredible.
First, if your assignment is temporary and you can’t legally or logistically work? Don’t do it. It’s not worth the stress. I fight the urge constantly, and I need to learn to let that go. As my friend and mentor Kim told me, there’s plenty of life left to work, but you might not ever get the chance again to be able to truly explore a foreign city and culture.
Find ways to exercise and develop whatever skills you have that make you tick, whether they’re related to your professional life or not. I started my blog because I knew that if I didn’t do something to itch my creative bone, I would likely explode in a sad, little ball of fire one day. Find educational or volunteer opportunities that call your name — and go all in.
Get a dog. Seriously. Nothing helps build a new routine quite like scheduled walks and training sessions. And, it’s a healthy social thing too. It turns out that dog people are dog people the world over, and we’ve met several good friends just by going outside and walking our dog. If you end up in a place like Delhi, you will literally have your pick of the litter of thousands of street dogs who all deserve a good home and a good life. Changing the life of even one doggo is a golden gift for you and her both.
And lastly, keep at it. Make sure you and your spouse make time to go on dates, check-in with each other, and lean on each other. Be honest about how you are feeling and be receptive to the often entirely different set of challenges your partner might be facing. At the end of the day, this is an incredible opportunity — and leaning in will strengthen you and your partner.
Abridged blog post from Living the Flipside.