Continued from Part 1 of Florence’s story.
When it comes to serial expat challenges, the most common themes are isolation, missing family and friends, culture shocks, language barriers, food differences, and the weariness of repeating the same patterns with every new move.
For us, one of the biggest challenges of our expatriate life was our experience as a “split family.” What was supposed to be three-year arrangement ended up lasting more than twice as long; for eight years, my husband Alex spent Monday to Friday in Pakistan or India, and his weekends with me and our two children in Dubai.
This type of geographic separation wasn’t something that I had expected when embarking on life as a trailing spouse, but I’ve learned that a person’s state of mind and beliefs can evolve when personally confronted with a difficult choice.
In expatriation, decisions often have to be made quickly. If the job interests us, we may only have a few hours or a few days to give our answer. Business is business! We have very little time to objectively assess the benefits, risks and consequences of a decision.
It was afterwards that I really took the time I needed to do some deep introspection, to align my personal experiences and emotions so as to anticipate what was going to happen and what was in store for me and our children.
For me, it was important to support my husband’s professional career and personal development. I also knew that Alex would continue to do his utmost to be as physically and psychologically present as possible for his family, despite spending most of each week in a different country. We’d already been through other unexpected situations, and I had confidence in our resilience, as our shared journey had already shown us to be strong and capable of overcoming new challenges.
But I also had to prepare myself to live alone from Monday to Friday and be psychologically ready and strong to be doubly present to meet the needs and happiness of the children.
That’s when I started working with a life coach. By setting very precise goals, we managed to get me from the Philippines to Dubai, strong and ready to start this new “split family” life.
After three years of Alex commuting to Pakistan, we had the choice of staying in Dubai or following him to his next position, in India — putting an end to our family’s geographical separation. But the children were so happy and settled into their routine by then, that we decided to stay in Dubai while Alex commuted to New Delhi during the week.
Pandemic silver linings
I would like to take a moment to acknowledge and share my sympathy with all the families who, during the COVID-19 pandemic, ended up suddenly separated for months when borders closed overnight.
We were lucky that Alex managed to get to our home in time, and we spent the pandemic together under the same roof in Dubai — a wonderful period of reunification for our family.
With Alex and the kids working in videoconference, my daily routine and worries disappeared. I had nothing left to organize. I even felt bored — and that’s when I decided to write my first book, Expat Wife, Happy Life! The Journey of a Serial Expat.
Once the pandemic ended, Alex found it difficult to resume his commuting routine and started thinking about early retirement. His eventual decision to retire early was undoubtedly influenced by the desire to be reunited with his family and to be present for his children, for me, and for his aging parents. I have to admit that at the end he was tired and is now happy to enjoy the peace and quiet of home.
From split family to empty nest
My greatest source of pride is having brought up my two children in international environments and now seeing them fly away, on their own. But this brings us to another, less-discussed challenge of expat trailing-spouse life: the empty nest, the changing dynamics of the house, and the arrival of retirement age.
Now that I am in this new phase, what has saved me is having observed and anticipated these changes. I’ve worked a lot on myself and my independence, always having an activity that’s mine and that no one can take away from me.
Continue to Part 3 of Florence’s story, focused on retiring from a decades-long expat trailing-spouse lifestyle.
