“Where are you from?” “Where do you live?” “Where is your home?”
For a trailing spouse like me, common small-talk questions like that can feel pretty complicated!
I don’t feel that “home” can be confined to just one place or person. Home is Bellevue (where I live now), Bengaluru (where I spent my childhood), and Delhi (my husband’s hometown). Home is wherever I’m currently living with my wonderful partner — and home is where my roots are, too, where I spent a beautiful childhood filled with joy, laughter, adventure and play.
After spending 25 wonderful years with my amazing parents in Bengaluru (also known as Bangalore), I never thought I would leave India — yet here I am, 8,000 miles away, happily living in Bellevue, WA. How did I get here?
Love at first sound
Have you ever felt that “magic” connection, like you’ve known somebody your entire life even though it’s the first time you’re talking to them? That’s exactly how I felt when I first heard Sarat’s voice on the phone in 2012.
I was working on my MBA degree in Bengaluru, and Sarat was based in Bellevue when we were virtually introduced to each other by our parents, through family connections. Like love at first sound, I fell so madly and deeply for my Prince Charming that I began to have a tough time focusing on my studies.
Sarat and I had agreed that we should take some time to get to know each other before planning a wedding. Within just a few days, however, having felt such strong instant connection, we both said “YES!”
I couldn’t wait to start my life with Sarat, but we had to wait another year until I had finished my master’s degree.
One of my fondest memories of Skyping during our months apart was that he kept making me look at the blue sky and sun, saying, “It’s such a beautiful day.” I kept wondering why he would obsess so much about sunny days. In Bengaluru, no one ever talks about the weather; we take the sunshine for granted. Once I experienced my first Northwest winter, however, I understood what he had been talking about!
The minute I landed at SeaTac airport in April 2013, I felt such a rush of adrenaline, a combination of nervousness, excitement, jet-lag, and most importantly, hope! This was my first time in America, and I knew that this move, in contrast to other international trips I had taken, would be permanent. Deep down, however, I felt confident that coming and starting a life together with Sarat was the right thing to do.
On the Gupte Scale, I would have given my relocation a perfect score of 15/15: 5 points for destination, 5 points for timing, 5 points for resources.
Happy honeymooners
One of my beliefs is that “everything happens for a reason and we just go with the flow.” I kept telling myself this, as I enjoyed my honeymoon period in my new home.
The first months flew by, as we explored every park, beach, theater, town and trail. The unfamiliar natural beauty mesmerized me, distracting me from the fact that I didn’t know anybody except for a handful of classmates who now worked at some of the big tech companies, and my in-laws, who stayed with us and helped me settle in as I adjusted to all the changes in my life.
Slowly, as Sarat introduced me to his work and college friends, and they introduced me to other friends, we built up our social circle. We’re both extroverts who love to talk, eat and have a good time, so we make new friends easily. (We still keep in touch with the other guests we met at an Airbnb in upstate New York in 2015!)
By the end of the year, however, reality had kicked in about my professional limitations. As a trailing spouse on a dependent visa (H4), even though I was well-educated and qualified, I was completely unemployable unless a company was willing and able to sponsor me for a work visa.
Suddenly, I felt stuck.
Considering my options
Sarat, who is a great mentor in addition to husband, advised that I had three options: finding a position at a large company that had the resources to sponsor me, continuing my studies, and/or volunteering.
First, I applied for a program manager job at my dream company — Microsoft — without success. Then, I tried applying to the Master of Science in Information Systems course at the University of Washington, but was also rejected.
When I had moved to Bellevue as a newlywed in springtime, I had been surrounded by blooming flowers, sunshine, warmth and plenty of possibilities. As winter kicked in, literally and figuratively, those days turned cold and grey.
After a lifetime of fairly smooth sailing, it suddenly seemed like nothing was going my way. I wanted to give up. I felt devastated.
Clearing my head
I remember spending an entire day at the Medina Beach park by myself, trying to clear my head.
After crying, feeling sorry for myself and lots of self-pity, I finally took some deep breaths, tried hard to stay strong and decided to pursue Option 3: volunteering.
At the time, working without a paycheck seemed like a last resort. But now, looking back? I’m so glad that I did! Volunteering gave me a whole new identity, a world of opportunities, and the ability to have a positive impact on my new community.
I started by offering my services to nonprofit organizations I had heard about through word of mouth: Asha for Education, The Sophia Way, Northwest IT Professionals, local ethnic groups and temples.
My work at The Sophia Way, a nonprofit that supports King County, WA women on their journey from homelessness to safe, stable living, took off at 120 miles per hour. Within a few months, I was given a larger responsibility of managing the organization’s entire volunteer program. I was even given my own office and business cards, and asked to attend staff meetings, because my work was so critical to the mission.
I felt grounded, productive and able to sleep well at night. I had a purpose, and it was making a meaningful difference in other people’s lives, too.
An unexpected career change
In 2015, a new rule made it easier for spouses of H1-B visa holders to legally work in United States. Yay!
I got my work permit, in the form of an employment authorization document (EAD) that allowed me to obtain a social security number and get paid by any U.S. employer. With this change in status, and the boost in confidence I had gained from my volunteering , I was ready to try again for a role at Microsoft, as a much stronger applicant this time.
While I was considering Microsoft’s openings, however, The Sophia Way’s new executive director asked me to apply for a full-time role as Development and Communications Manager. I smiled politely, sure that I would never be hired, given that I lacked the obvious experience, expertise, and cultural knowledge for this type of position. As an Indian computer science engineer with a business degree, how could I be a part of the American social sector’s fundraising world?
Since I had been asked to apply, however, I gave it my best shot. I already understood and loved The Sophia Way’s mission, vision and values. Quickly, I also learned everything I could about identifying, cultivating and soliciting donors — and was fascinated. As someone who feels energized by people and relationships, the job description began to feel like a more natural fit than what it had first looked like on paper.
And guess what? I got the job!
I was shocked, and it seemed like a tough choice to stop pursuing an engineering career to accept this offer. Sarat encouraged me, however, saying, “Kavya, you need to do what others can’t do. Getting into a technology company is easy, but diving into and thriving in this unknown world of fundraising is going to be great for you.”
I’m so glad that I followed my heart. As a result, my career has been filled with compassion, kindness, generosity and abundance. My marriage, relocation and subsequent volunteering journey led me to find my calling. I am very grateful to my adopted home for making me who I am: someone who finds joy in helping others.
Feeling fulfilled
Seven years later, I now work as a development consultant in the Greater Seattle area. My beautiful, fulfilling role is to be a connector: connecting people’s values with a nonprofit’s mission, cultivating and maintaining deep, meaningful relationships with donors and supporters. I ask for time, talent, treasure and voice — and get it all from our generous Northwest community.
In addition to The Sophia Way, I am proud to be part of the incredible missions of Eastside for All, We are Pistachio, Kinder Konnection, Cure Raghav, and Community Centric Fundraising.
While our lives are firmly rooted in our adopted land, Sarat and I also visit India every year, spending time with our parents and extended family. With new eyes, I can appreciate that my mother’s work as a doctor, helping patients with referrals, medicine, and advice, provides a valuable community service (especially in the villages and during these difficult times of the coronavirus pandemic). Someday, I hope to use my fundraising expertise to help causes close to my heart in India, too.
Until then, although I would have never predicted this if you had asked me 10 years ago, I am happy to be in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing with the right people.
My advice to other trailing spouses is to be more accepting, be patient, adventurous, work on your self-motivation, trust your instincts — and learn deep breathing!
It’s OK to take everything one day at a time. Just follow your heart, and your home will be there, too.
*Featured photo depicts a cubicle at The Sophia Way’s Extended-Stay Shelter
